Feeling guilty when you get angry with the stroke survivor.
A common but very real issue is dealing with all the emotional and physical care of the stroke survivor. They have had a terrible health crisis and are trying to get back to where they once were. But it takes time or may not even happen, and we understand we need to be patient but “come on”, we get tired, angry and need to call them on their behavior.
Walking on eggshells, avoiding conflict, or holding all your feelings in is not healthy for either of you. Anger is a normal emotion and if not dealt with in a positive fashion can fester and lead to resentment, lashing out in a negative way and causing more divisiveness in a Care Partner/Stroke Survivor relationship.
Why do we avoid being angry or expressing our frustration with our loved ones? GUILT
I know for a long time, I avoided any confrontation or having expectations because of the below reasons.
We are healthy and they have had a stroke, they are in a worse place. Only a “bad” person would get angry.
They can’t help what they are doing.
I am not angry at them but the situation and need to deal with this new normal.
We are told frequently we are so “strong” and feel that we must live up to this word.
I should be thankful they are alive and to lower my expectations.
But anger continues to eat away unless you do two things; develop positive anger management techniques and develop a plan with your loved one. These are the techniques I practice that seems to help me.
Walk away and assess the anger situation before acting. Ask the following:
What am I really upset about?
Is my LO capable of the action needed?
Am I overly tired and overreacting? (sleep solves a lot of anger issues)
Once I assessed and felt that it is an issue that my LO can impact – discuss.
Clearly state what you are angry about without yelling but rather talk calmly so that they can better understand and commu
Due to their stroke, they may not be able to problem solve or provide suggestions. Their response can be, “I am sorry, I will try to be better” not knowing what better is.
Share a choice of two possible actions that they can take to resolve the conflict. Make sure either choice will meet your needs.
If the conversation is not going well – take a time out, A few moments of quiet time might help you feel better prepared to handle what's ahead without getting irritated or angry.
Use humor to defuse anger. Lightening up can help diffuse tension. Use humor to help you face what's making you angry and, possibly, any unrealistic expectations you have for how things should go. Avoid sarcasm, though — it can hurt feelings and make things worse.
If your loved one does not participate or you feel that the issue is your anger at the situation caused by the stroke. Try the following.
Exercise daily. You don’t need to be a “gym rat” but just a walk around the block can make a big difference.
Journal your anger. When you write it down, you release that emotion and can close the page on that issue for the day.
Turn it over to God. He has big shoulders and can provide options if we allow and trust.
Talk to a counselor, family member or friend that will listen and not judge. You don’t need to hear you are wrong for feeling this way but rather a kind ear that can provide some positive solutions.
Let it GO!!! Once discussed or acted upon, Forgive yourself and your LO. If you allow anger and other negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you might find yourself swallowed up by your own bitterness or sense of injustice.
Stroke Caregiver Connection…Because you care!