Dealing with all the “What If’s”
On Monday, I made my usual visits to families of recent Stroke Patients. It still amazes me the number of individuals that experienced a stroke daily. Just to give you an idea, I visited with 30 family members and patients this week. As I walked the halls and listened to their concerns, it brought back all those feelings and fears I had in our first few days and weeks. These families are still in shock but have the same concern we all had – What If…
Once I passed through the confusion phase and had some idea what I was dealing with, my nursing background and the world of “what ifs’” entered the picture. I still didn’t know where we would be in a year poststroke, but I knew enough that it would not be a straightforward journey for either of us. I outlined some fears that I experienced below:
Would Rick recover? How much would he recover? What if he dies? How much should I share with him? Does he understand what is happening? What will our marriage look like?
How can I prepare the children? What if they lose their dad? How will their relationship with Rick change? Do they feel they need to care for us now? How will this affect their families?
Can we handle this financially? How much will this cost? Do I have enough coverage? Will I need to take a leave from work or retire to care for Rick? Am I equipped to make all the family financial decisions?
What is my new role? Am I ready to be the caregiver? Can I take this on without anger and frustration? Why is this happening? Will Rick and I ever have an intimate relationship, physically and emotionally again?
What worked for me…
I needed to step back and take a breather. Recovery is not a sprint, but a marathon. This is a critical time. While Rick was being cared for, I tried to sit down either alone or with a friend and discuss all the concerns that I had and talk through a plan. I let life manage me versus managing the life challenges ahead. I needed to let friends into my pain. They wanted to help but were unclear how. The biggest help was to have them help me wrap my head around all the possibilities.
Give fear a name.
When I named and journaled what would happen, if what I was concerned with became reality, it took away some of the power it held over me.
I had to get a different perspective on life and some options I had not considered. When I spoke with a friend about not being able to do everything by myself, she asked me to share what items I could have others do. That opened my eyes to new possibilities.
I worried about how my children were handling this life change. It was important to learn to view your children as strong independent adults with lives that they have developed with their spouse and children. My role was not to protect them from life, but to be a role model on how to deal with life events. That is hard because that also meant showing my tears, my vulnerability and that I was hurting.
Discover the known.
Meeting with my financial advisor and the financial office at the hospital to talk through every scenario and learn what was available.
Looking at my work benefits available to me, as well, not only financial but support groups, such as EAP.
Meet with the primary physicians. They do not have a crystal ball but can discuss what they have seen poststroke and what they feel are the potential issues that we could encounter.
Give your fears a priority number.
Not every fear is critical or needs resolution immediately. My mind was swimming with so many “what if’s” that it can be paralyzing.
Tips that helped me was to mark my fears as follows:
“A” for those that need to be addressed within the week and are real. Those are the medical and financial issues.
“B” for those that could happen in the next six months. Those would be recovery and lifestyle changes.
“C” for those that have no basis. Until they move to A or B, write them in your journal and place them on a shelf.
The above is an excerpt from “Stroke and the Spouse” – The definitive guide for caregivers. For more information on what worked for us, check out “Stroke and the Spouse” available on Amazon or follow the code below to purchase.
Stroke Caregiver Connection…Because you care!