Stroke Survivors tips for the Caregiver/Care Partner

Dear Caregiver or Care Partner,         

I’ve never been sick a day in my life. While not exactly true, it’s close. I don’t get the flu, maybe one cold a year, and have never missed a day at work. The only time I spent the night in a hospital (prior to the stroke) was fifty years ago for a minor surgery. Then on June 23, 2021, I went out to my car to take something back to the store and it felt as though someone threw a switch and changed my life forever. I soon found myself in an ambulance (my first ambulance ride, in fact) headed for the hospital. I was sure that I would end up being embarrassed for creating such an unnecessary commotion. I thought all I had was a case of vertigo. Fortunately, I was not the one responsible for my diagnosis.

Suddenly, I’m in a small room with ten other people working on me and I don’t want to interrupt them because what they’re doing seems kind of important. Mentally, I’m doing fine. I know what’s going on. But every time they ask me if I know why I’m there, I respond, “I’m supposedly having a stroke.” Eventually I dropped the “supposedly.” I had gone from someone who took care of things to someone who needed to be cared for. To this day, I still find it hard to ask for help from friends and family.

From my perspective, a stroke is a funny thing. It’s like someone throwing a light switch. You don’t think about it and you don’t plan for it. It’s something you never think about until it happens, and then it’s all you think about. I didn’t feel any pain, never lost consciousness, and never realized just how serious things were getting. It was only when I started vomiting (which I never do) and everyone became much more intense that I realized how bad this could be. I later learned just how close I came to dying and how much Lana was managing. 

The second I had my stroke, it instantly changed me into someone I didn’t recognize. I  had spent my entire life working to provide a future for my family, making plans, traveling, and interacting with the world around me. There was always something that defined me and gave me a sense of person and pride. Be that physical, mental, or spiritual, there was always that one thing that gave me individuality, my mind. But all that changed with the stroke. I hate to use cliches’, but a “New Normal” arrived and I had to get used to it.

Life had presented me with circumstances that required me to be totally self-centered. Things were happening to me and regardless of whether I was prepared or not, I was forced to deal with them. Only later did I look back and realize what I put my spouse, family, and friends through and there will be guilt. Leaving Lana alone to handle everything made me feel guilty; guilty about relying on friends to do simple things for me, even though they’re doing exactly what I would do if the circumstances were reversed. I felt guilty about interrupting my children’s lives. I felt guilty about being angry with God.

Eventually, though, I came to realize that I did not cause this. It is merely the situation it has forced me to endure. It’s no one’s fault. So, I love my spouse and appreciate her for all that they have done and will do for me on this journey. I’ve embraced my family and friends and tried to thank them for all they’ve done. And I thank God for having given me another chance at life.

 A few tips:

Be patient with us.

Be Kind

Be supportive.

Be positive.

Please keep us safe.

Laugh with us and keep loving us.

I can remember twenty years ago, but not last year. I guess as my brain is healing, it must prioritize data. All my life, I have had wonderful memories. Sometimes, to my detriment, I would remember things from as far back as grade school. I cannot fully express the frustration of not being able to trust something you have always relied on. So, when I vent my anger and frustration, know that it is not you I’m angry with and that I am sorry.

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