Who cares for the Caregiver?
When my husband had a stroke and I became his care partner, I was not really prepared that this role would be my new normal forever. Being a caregiver to a loved one is not an obligation or a burden because you love this individual. But that doesn’t mean that this doesn’t feel difficult, thankless or a lonely job. After time, the care partner and the stroke survivor begin to have a rhythm to their day along with good days and bad days. The new normal is focused on the needs of the Stroke Survivor and not the caregiver. This leads me to the question: Who cares for the caregiver when he/she is overwhelmed, tired, needs emotional support or just a day that was just like a pre-stroke day?
“Always say “YES” to the present moment…. Surrender to what is …. Say “YES” to life-and see how life starts suddenly to start working for you rather than against you.”
-Eckhart Tolle
Do you feel that when it “rains it pours”. I know that I do. Everyone and everything come out of the woodwork needing you to provide a level of care. We are not only a caregiver/Care Partner to your loved one, but we are also an employee, Mom/Dad, Sister/Brother, Son/Daughter and friend. It seems that when we were cast into the caregiver role with our loved one, everyday life and stresses continues on.
What helped me?
Coming to terms with our situation, it is not acute but rather a chronic condition that waxes and wanes.
Letting go and letting them. At support group, we frequently discuss how we tend to be overprotective of the stroke survivor. As my son shared “How will he learn to walk if you never let him fall”. I am not recommending that we let them fall and get hurt but rather let them try. Give them responsibilities and remember it may not be up to your standards, but it gives them more independence and a break.
Talk and cry with those that “get it.” Find a support group. Friends and family are wonderful but unless they have experienced this it is hard for them to understand.
Let go of trying to explain “I know he looks great, but his changes are more emotional and mental than physical” Just answer “Thanks” and move on. Explaining is exhausting and doesn’t really improve your situation.
Laugh together at the changes but also cry when you need to. I frequently expect that my husband will be able to respond to the emotional feelings that I am experiencing in life but that part of the brain no longer allows him to do that. Prior to the stroke, he struggled with this but honestly his communication was heaven compared to now.
Listen to the wisdom of others. A wonderful woman who has been in a caregiver role for 17 years shared that when I get frustrated and feel alone. I look at our wedding picture and remember the happiness of that day and all the happy memories pre stroke. She then picks one thing post stroke to hold as a memory.
Lastly, do not feel that you need to apologize for your loved one. My husband makes inappropriate comments, has no filter and is unable to read a room. I want to protect him, so I try to explain or become hurt when someone brings it to my attention and feel that I need to fix it. I CAN’T fix this and am working very hard to let go. Those that love you both understand and will laugh at comments.
For more information on what worked for us, check out “Stroke and the Spouse” available on Amazon or follow the code below to purchase.
Stroke Caregiver Connection…Because you care!
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