The easy way to start the New Year (experts won’t tell you)
We are going into our third year post-stroke. Over these many months, I have had struggles, tears, and frustration, but I have also learned many tips and tools to help handle this life change. Coming to a point of acceptance that this is our new normal, the good and the bad. I was in survival mode for the first two years, but this year, I want to flourish in my new role. I want you to also flourish as a caregiver/care partner as well.
As Care Partners of stroke survivors, the best way to start the new year is not by making resolutions but by realistically looking at your situation and determining what will bring you joy and happiness.
There is no cookie-cutter approach, but through trial and error, I would like to share what I have learned over the past years and what is working for me. Let me be realistic, you will still have rough days when you want to give up but know you are not alone. Send me a note in the comments and we can navigate together.
What I realized and what is working for me…
Tip #1: Change my mindset to a Care Partner.
We are not an extension of our loved one’s illness, and we are also not 100% responsible for their care and ongoing health. A distinct difference exists between being a Caregiver and a Care Partner. A Caregiver provides most of the care with limited involvement by the LO. A Care Partner works with the LO for a better life and health outcome.
Initially, I was a Caregiver, but as time passed, I realized that he could do some things, and I was the one holding him back, partially out of fear that he would hurt himself and partially out of habit. That is when I decided that my role is a Care Partner.
This caused me to stop and evaluate what he could do. The LO also gets very used to you providing for all their needs. Each week, I would add a task. As a wife, I must admit that it was tough to let go of control and accept that the task would not be done to my liking. Over time, your standards will lessen as you see them take on more. Start small, folding towels or getting the mail.
Tip #2: Reviewed my calendar.
When I reviewed my calendar from the previous year, I realized it was focused on what my LO needed versus what we, as a couple, needed. Medical appointments aside, our days were very similar. I had not planned for outings, others to support us or time away.
I started at the beginning of each month, blocking out time for social, time for your mental and spiritual growth, time for them alone, and time for you alone. I understand that if your LO cannot be home alone, this is a challenge, but this is when, as a Care Partner, you reach out to family and friends.
Key Point: Don’t ask when others are available to plan. Provide dates and times and ask others to sign up to spend time with your LO. I have adopted a post-stroke philosophy: “I would rather laugh with the living than cry with the dead.” Your friends and family want to support you, just not sure how.
Tip #3: Turn it over to a higher power.
I was doing it all as a Caregiver and not a Care Partner. I felt very alone and exhausted. But I reached a point when I could no longer carry the burden and had to let it go. But who can and will pick me up. This is when I relied on my faith and asked God to be my Care Partner on this journey. I knew I could no longer do it alone, and I did not want to burden my children, family, and friends.
What helped me to turn it over and not feel so alone was that I started my day in prayer. Some days it was to help me through today and others a prayer of gratitude. I also joined a group of women at church that have been a tremendous support.
Tip #4: Rethink a challenge as a blessing.
This is one of the hardest, but it is a game-changer once you make that switch. For us, short-term memory issues are a challenge. I will get frustrated and angry that I am constantly repeating. He will forget to tell me if he plans something with a friend or schedules an appointment.
How to change this into a blessing –
Identify why I would get angry; I know he has short-term memory loss. The blessing is that God has provided friends who want to help, medical staff to improve his care, and options to deal with the issue.
We now have a calendar that he writes everything on. Whenever he finishes a call or returns home, I ask if anything needs to be added. Most medical groups have an application that shares appointments.
As we all get older or stressed, we all forget. Take this challenge and find humor in it.
Tip #5: Start a gratitude jar.
When I wake up each day, I think about what will happen today. I would focus on what went wrong, and I was emotionally and physically exhausted at the end of the day. This tip came from my LO. Post-stroke, he suffers from apathy, and nothing upsets him or causes him any concerns.
One evening, when I was low, he shared all the day's positives and downplayed the issues. He shared that you need to write down a positive each day. So, on Jan. 1, I started my gratitude jar, which has made a difference. When I am down, I reflect on the day to find that positive. As the jar fills, I look at it with a smile and a feeling of contentment.
Have a very happy and joyful 2024!
Stroke Caregiver Connection…Because you care!