Grief and Renewal

Dear Spouse and Caregiver,

I have not posted in a few weeks due to a death in the family.  Rick’s Mom passed away at the age of 92.  A wonderful and peaceful death.  Being a caregiver to her and being with her as she was transitioning from life was an honor and an opportunity to resolve issues in the relationship.  It is so important to have no regrets as to words unsaid or actions undone.

But, as you all are aware, I still have my husband to care for.  Rick is doing much better physically, still has low endurance but overall better.  Mentally, he can do most things that he did prior to the stroke but his short-term memory and ability to engage with others is limited.  These changes, although not ideal, are easier for me to handle versus the emotional changes he has experienced.

After the initial stroke, Rick shared that he was an observer of his life.  The Neurologist told me that this was not unusual and that it should improve with time.  It has not improved and further developed into depression and apathy. We are working closely with our doctor to treat medically but this could very well be his future state.

I have no words of wisdom on how to handle as a spouse.  It changes daily and I am just trying to keep my head above water.  As a nurse, I understand that this is not him but his stroke, but my heart aches for my partner.  The grief of this loss is ongoing but together we can navigate the pain.

Grief is defined as deep sorrow, especially caused by someone’s death.  The grief I feel is the loss of the person I love that is now a shell of himself.   God does provide glimpse of my pre stroke Rick, and I hold onto that.  Our granddaughter came into town for the weekend and helped decorate the outside of the house.  Her plan was a winter wonderland with many blowups.  Rick was happy and excited to follow her decorating design and never said NO to any blowup.  Our house looks crazy on the outside with 10 Christmas blowups and multiple lights but the joy of my granddaughter and Rick helps me to get through the holidays.

What I have learned and want to share is that you can not do this alone.  The man I use to talk to is no longer an emotional option.  My flaw is that I think if I work hard enough at something< alone, I can fix it.  This I can not fix and realized that it is time to seek a professional to help with the grief and changes in both of our lives.

I am blessed that Rick is still with me and that we still can laugh and enjoy life to a certain degree.  All relationships evolve over the years, ours evolved at light speed post stroke but we are learning how to make the most of our days.

Today, I attended my godson’s daughters baptism and the renewal that life and love continue. That we all come into this world with absolutely no expectations and 100% dependent on the love of God and others. To be that child again would be wonderful but my life experiences would be behind me and what a great loss.

My only words of wisdom this week, seek help when needed and start each day as that innocence child of God and let Him lead.

Love from spouse to spouse